While typing this I’m wondering whether it’s a good idea to post it. On the other hand, I think the best posts are the ones where you show your vulnerability, something others can relate to. Also, who doesn’t want the juicy details of a breakup? Sorry, not going to happen. However, I am going to tell you how the last three months have been.
Before I go off and talk about my – sometimes embarrassing – moments, you should stop reading if you intend to judge. No one likes judgy people.
Day one was a – beautiful – waterfall of tears. Never ending, I kept going, and when you think you no longer have tears, another one falls. I really had no idea my heart could feel that heavy. It genuinely felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and some animal kept chewing on it. Those first weeks I read a lot of poetry. It comes across like I know a lot about poetry but I don’t. I know rupi kaur and that’s about it. Also, her second book isn’t as good as her first book.
As odd as it may sound, now I’m happy it happened. It’s something else I can actually relate to when someone talks about it. Bottom line of those first weeks: your mind knows it’s for the best, your heart on the other hand … aches for what no longer is.
I have to go through old conversations with friends to know how I felt then. I deleted all conversations of my previous partner. Yes, I am one of those people who would dwell on old messages and reread them a 100 times, analysing every single word. So, knowing myself, I deleted all conversations (on ALL social media) the day after. No worries, there are other ways to dwell on the past. If you really want to know; you can look up stories you told your friends about by typing his or her name in the search box of a conversation. I just thought of that today. Or just look at every single picture of the last two years. I mean, deleting conversations, yes, deleting pictures, no.
I could say that I never check that person’s Facebook-page but … I do. Oops, busted. I reduced the viewing to once every two weeks but since I’ll be at home, studying for the next two months it’ll probably increase to once every two days. Time on your hands is not a good thing. In the beginning I checked whether the person posted something or deleted pictures or statuses. As if it actually means something whether it is still there or not. So don’t worry, you’re not alone.
I so do not have time to write this post, but it seems like creativity knocks on my door when I don’t really ask for it.
Two months ago someone told me ‘when you think you’re over that person, you’ll realise you aren’t’. I thought to myself ‘I’m doing quite okay, I’ll be just one of those people who gets over a breakup fast’. It was the first and last time I thought that. For me, a breakup is a rollercoaster. One moment you’re alright, the other moment you’re wondering what went wrong. It gets better though and the moments of sadness are nothing like those sad feelings of the first week.
After throwing myself on the single market, I went a little cuckoo. Hey, there are NO rules when it comes to dealing with breakups. It seemed fun meeting new people, taking my mind off that person but, you know, it didn’t really help. Just temporarily. Even if they are just flings, you spent time on them. Time I actually need for myself. Time I am not ready to share with anyone after sharing almost two years. So no, mom and dad, I didn’t meet anyone else, man or woman.
There were moments when friends would talk about new love interests and I’d just roll my eyes and think (might have said it too) ‘why on earth would you want a relationship?’. So young and already so bitter … That’s a joke, or maybe there’s a hint of truth. At least for now … I’m pretty sure new love will blossom.
Other friends talked about their struggles in their relationships and I’d advise them to just break up cause then they’ll know whether it was a good or a bad decision. Bottom line here: do NOT take advice from people who just ended a relationship themselves.
Yes, I could pretend to be just fine after three months and many might think I am, including myself sometimes, but the contrary is true. It still makes me sad and sometimes insecure. This week I decided for myself that love doesn’t disappear, and that it shouldn’t either. Love comes in different shapes and forms and it should be spread abundantly, like confetti.
Sending all the love I have.